A Fullmetal Alchemist Scoop War
by Trevor Mustang
Summary: A boring day becomes a battle to keep one's chest from getting attacked. My first Crackfic please R and R


**I do no own FMA I a just using the characters for my own personal amusement**

**This is my very first crackfic. So please be nice, I got the idea because today on the bus there was a giant scoop fight and I wondered what it would be like if there was a military scoop war when everyone got bored. If you don't know what scooping is, go on Urban Dictionary and it's the first one.**

Roy shook his small box of raisins that he had stolen from Hughes. "Don't you hate it when that last raisin sticks to the side of the box and you can't get it out?" he asked himself.

"I know!" came an exclamation from Ed as he walked through the door. "The only thing I hate more is when Winry makes me go down...nevermind"

"Do you know what I hate?" Falman yelled from his desk. "When I'm eating and my fork scrapes on the bottom of the plate." he added with a shudder.

"Yeah" Ed interrupted, "I also hate it when someone goes up close to me and" he paused as he got closer to Roy's ear. Ed's middle and index finger jabbed right into Roy's nipple and went up past his shoulder. "SCOOP!"

Roy fell out of his chair, grabbing his nipple. "What the hell was that?" he yelled "That really hurts!"

"What do you think it was?" Ed laughed, "I just scooped you"

Roy got up from his position on the ground. "Okay, it's on!" He started to chase the alchemist though the halls. "Get back here right this instant! I'm going to kill you!"

"You'll have to catch me first!" Ed yelled back, while running and scooping every male that got in his way.

A mob was slowly forming, with the intent to pin down Edward and scoop him until his nipples bled.

"Grab him!" They all yelled in a voice oozing with the thirst for revenge.

Roy lunged to try to scoop Ed back, instead he missed and accidentally scooped Havoc.

Havoc was dumbstruck. "Traitor!" he yelled, "Get the Chief! He's allied with Ed!"

Roy was tackled and pinned to the ground, hand were flying at his chest and Roy tried to fend them off by attacking his assailants back with the same amount of fury.

"What in the world is going on here?" asked the scratchy voice of King Bradley. "Has Mustang been aiding the enemy?"

"Uh..." Havoc paused, while on top of Roy, "Well you see, Fullmetal was playing a practical joke and it seems that the general here is in on it."

"By doing this?" King Bradley asked inocently, scooping Havoc.

Havoc fell back in a state of shock. Roy used this as an opportunity to escape to a secret hiding place, the space under his desk.

The door to his office was burst open, startling Roy and making him bang his head on the chair that he used to hide the rest of his body. "It's like a battlefield out there!" Hughes exclaimed. No one will ever look for me in-"

"There you are!" Yelled Maria Ross. "I'll teach you to scoop a female officer!"

Roy heard many violent sounds which were finished with Hughes yelling "My nipples! They burn!"

"I have to get out of here and get home." Roy whispered to himself. "I just need to escape to the emergency exit, this is an emergency after all."

"Roy, come here." Rasped Hughes. "I need to tell you something." Roy came out from under his desk and got closer to Hughes so he could hear. "Scoop." He chuckled as Hughes swiped his fingers over Roy's already tender nipples.

Roy sprinted out of his office and down the hall, dodging each pair of hands that grabbed at him. Ed jumped right in front, blocking the exit, his hands were the perfect position for scooping, Roy was going to run right into it! He dove, barely dodging a sure to be painful scoop via automail, and dashed out the emergency escape door. The alarm sounded and the sprinklers sprang to life, spraying everyone in the building with water.

"It's just like a yaoi!" Roy heard a woman squeal as he made it to a safe area on the other side of the road. He slowly walked home, whistling and twirling his pocket watch. He unlocked his front door and was greeted by Riza wearing a black t-shirt and a pair lime green cloth shorts and reading a book on the sofa that could only be described as "lived in."

"Hi honey" Roy sang. "How was your day off?"

"It was wonderful" She replied with a smile. "I finally got to read my book."

Roy leaned in to whisper into her ear. "Scoop" he whispered as his fingers grazed her chest.

"You're dead" Riza growled at him with a glare. She pushed Roy onto the ground and tore his shirt off. The buttons hadn't even finished rolling on the ground when Roy's neighbors heard him scream. "Ah my nipples! It feels like they're on fire!"

**Thanks for reading! :D This is my first unbeta'd story so sorry if some parts are a little bland or isn't descriptive enough. Please review!**


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